Why ‘Good Enough’ is Perfect
This article is written for anyone whose life no longer looks the way they once imagined, especially those who are navigating widowhood and trying to rebuild something meaningful after profound loss.
As a widowed person, and as the founder of ‘my widowed friends’, I have come to understand that the pressure to create a perfect new life can be a deeply unhelpful burden. The truth is, we don’t need to strive for perfection. In fact, there is something powerful, and even liberating, in embracing the idea that a “good enough” life can be more than sufficient. It can be kind, calm, manageable, and enough.
Reimagining Life When You Can’t Go Back
One of the most painful realisations that comes with widowhood is the knowledge that your life will never unfold in the way you had planned. Your old life was shared, both socially, emotionally, and practically. You were part of a team and now you are managing alone.
Coming to terms with this loss of imagined future is really difficult but it can also open up space for a different kind of life. A study on post-traumatic growth (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004) suggests that, over time, individuals who experience profound loss may find a renewed sense of meaning and personal strength by reconfiguring their goals and expectations.
Rather than trying to replicate the past, it can be far more helpful to ask what kind of life fits your current energy, needs, and interests. This doesn’t mean lowering your standards. It means reimagining what a good life looks like for you now, not based on what others expect or what your past-self wanted, but based on what feels manageable and meaningful in this new context. You don’t need to pretend things are fine, or replace one dream with another overnight. It means slowly allowing yourself to shift the narrative from “What I lost” to “What might be possible now.”
You can’t do this quickly, especially when you are also coping with grief, so be kind to yourself and don’t expect quick progress. Building anything good takes time.
At ‘my widowed friends’, I regularly meet people who are rebuilding, most often quietly and without fanfare. They attend a weekly coffee group not because they want to be busy or entertained, but because they want to feel connected, included, and supported as they build something new.
Making a Decision Is Often More Important Than the Decision Itself
In the early stages of grief, decision-making can feel impossible. There is often a sense of being overwhelmed, as even basic choices (what to do with the paperwork, whether to move house, who to see and when), carry emotional weight far beyond their practical significance.
Over time, I’ve come to believe that making a decision, even a small one, is often more important than finding the “perfect” solution. Taking action, however modest, helps to counter the paralysis that often follows bereavement. In psychological terms, this aligns with the theory of behavioural activation, which suggests that action can precede and promote emotional improvement, rather than the other way around (Mazzucchelli et al., 2009).
Many people find themselves waiting for clarity. But it’s important to recognise that clarity often comes after action and not before. If you’re debating whether to move, change routines, or try something new, it can be helpful to make a trial decision, a small, low-stakes version of the larger decision you’re contemplating. For example: visit the area you might want to move to, spend a week reorganising one room before considering downsizing, test the waters before committing.
It’s also important to time decisions with care. Research into decision fatigue shows that the brain’s ability to process complex emotional information is often depleted under stress (Baumeister et al., 1998). After bereavement, allow a pause on any major decisions, unless something urgently needs resolving. A commonly used guideline is the ‘year of firsts’: avoid major lifestyle changes during the first year unless you feel ready. However that’s just a guide, the timeline must suit you.
Some people want to act quickly and others wait years and years. Neither timescale is wrong, it depends on what you are comfortable with.
There May Not Be a “Right” Answer
Solo life brings with it a long list of decisions, some of them highly practical. Should you move to a smaller property, or stay where you are? Should you live closer to family, or remain in a familiar neighbourhood? Should you keep the home you shared, or start afresh?
These decisions rarely have clear, correct answers. In fact, they often involve a range of emotional, financial, and logistical trade-offs. The most useful question may be: What makes my life feel calmer, safer, and more sustainable for now? This kind of reflective decision-making is part of reclaiming control after the disorientation of bereavement. It doesn’t require perfection. It requires honesty and self-compassion. People adjust their goals in response to changes in their lives, and being flexible about changes can improve psychological wellbeing (Carver & Scheier, 1998).
One of the most important things to learn, is to trust your own judgment. After being in a couple and making decisions together, it can be quite hard to adjust to taking decisions alone. Many widowed people find themselves surrounded by helpful, well-meaning advice, some of it conflicting. Friends, children, neighbours may all offer their view on what you ‘should’ do next. But the real task is not to find the consensus, but to learn to trust your own voice. What do you want? What’s manageable, kind, and wise for you, right now? This act of trusting your own judgement is part of rebuilding your confidence. You’re not just rebuilding a life; you’re also rebuilding your authority.
To others, grieving people don’t always appear logical, but we are doing our best to cope, often in ways that make sense only from the inside. Sometimes that means saving your spouse’s slippers for 6 years or refusing to empty her sewing room until you move house. It’s not “refusing to admit they’ve gone” or “silly”, or “holding you back”, it’s just coping with grief, and it’s fine.
You are in control of your life and your own decisions. Take as long as you need.
Good Enough Isn’t Settling, Rather It’s A Form of Resilience
There is often a cultural assumption that striving for the best possible outcome is a sign of strength. But after profound loss, insisting on perfection can become a trap. It keeps you stuck and postpones any progress. It leaves no room for the imperfect, unpredictable reality of real life.
Letting go of perfection isn’t giving up. It’s accepting that your needs have changed. It’s recognising that doing your best, as you are now, is a meaningful achievement. It’s what psychologists call adaptive coping. This is adjusting your goals and expectations in response to changed circumstances (Bonanno et al., 2004).
And perhaps most importantly, it allows you to start again, not from a place of pressure, but from a place of possibility.
At ‘my widowed friends’, Good Enough Is Fine
The groups I’ve created through ‘my widowed friends’ are not formal, clinical, or perfect. They are deliberately simple: a regular coffee, in a familiar place, with people who understand.
They are for people who want to rebuild and create new habits of connection. People who want to feel normal again, not in the sense of “back to normal,” but in the sense of being part of something ordinary, human, and ongoing. What can be more normal than a coffee with friends?
And that, I believe, is what many of us need. It’s not a grand new vision, but a life that works for us now. A life that’s good enough.
Final Thoughts
Widowhood forces us to let go of many things, including the image of the life we once thought we were building. But it also gives us the chance to build a different kind of life. It will be a slow and painful process, but we can build a good solo life. One that is real, imperfect and human.
You do not have to get everything right. You do not have to impress anyone. You do not have to live up to a version of yourself that no longer fits.
Next steps
If this article interests you, or if you know someone who might like to read it, here are a few suggestions:
- Share this article so that others can find it, or pass it on to anyone you know that is widowed, or to anyone that cares about a widowed person
- Consider helping: if you are widowed and want to help establish the mwf network, then contact me and let me know what you can offer (whether it’s skills, time, financing, moral support, practical ideas, or anything else you think might be useful).
References
- Bonanno, G. A., Papa, A., & O'Neill, K. (2004). Loss and human resilience. American Psychologist, 59(1), 20–28.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.
- Mazzucchelli, T. G., Kane, R. T., & Rees, C. S. (2009). Behavioral activation treatments for depression: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 29(6), 649–658.
- Carver, C.S. & Scheier, M.F. (1998) On the self-regulation of behaviour. Cambridge University Press.
- Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.